I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
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I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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