you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
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You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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