Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
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He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
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Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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