Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
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Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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