I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
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She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
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I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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