You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
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Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
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i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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