after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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