My liver just broke up with me...
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
this beer tastes like vomit already
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you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
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Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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