After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
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I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So vagazzling was a success
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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