Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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