1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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