Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
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I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
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I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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