No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
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She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
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It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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