the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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