having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
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She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
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T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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