I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
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I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
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I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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