You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
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My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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