Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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