mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
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i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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