3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize