Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
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i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
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I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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