My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
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Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
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I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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