if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
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the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
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My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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