Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
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All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
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Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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