So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
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Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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