when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
well most of my day revolves around power hour
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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