tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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