I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
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THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
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I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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