Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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