this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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