I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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