You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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