So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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