I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
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It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
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My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize