apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize