watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize