I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
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I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
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He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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