Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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