no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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