Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
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Let's paint friendship bongs
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
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The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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