Swine flu. Run for my life!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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