i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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