I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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