I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
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Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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