My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
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who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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