Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
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so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
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I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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