Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
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this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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