my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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