Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think pants incapable of making pants work
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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