my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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